Touch

(c) 2001 K.S. Wiesner
Excerpt from Part I: The Many Faces of…Fear


I followed the nurse down the hallway,
feeling as though I'd suddenly woke from a long sleep.
And…yet this didn't border on reality
as the nurse rounded the corner
and then another
and disappeared.
I called after her.
I ran after her,
but I was in a maze. I didn't recognize
anything I saw.
The walls,
the halls,
the floor or the people milling around.
So many of them.
So many strangers.
Where was my husband?
Where was my little boy
waiting for me
to come out, all better?
Healed?
Mama's not sick anymore, sweetie.
I screamed for the nurse to wait for me,
but she was gone.
I was alone.
Instead, there were lights,
out in front of the hospital.
I was outside.
In the dark, the bitter cold.
Should I feel the wind, whipping my hair around?
Should I feel the snow, blowing and stinging my face?
I didn't feel it.
As I wandered past people,
doctors and paramedics,
I realized why I didn't feel the cold
the way I should.
I could see them.
But I was gone.
Gone,
and my family had left this place
without me.
I wanted to cry and scream,
but I was too numb to know anything
except that I wanted to go home.
I needed to go home
to see my little boy.
He needed me.
God, he needed me.
He always did, so much, and I had to go to home.
But, on the far side of town,
far side of reality,
a nightmare,
in the dark and cold, I couldn't find my sense of direction.
I kept walking forward and back
and nothing seemed right.
Should I feel the wind, whipping my hair around?
Should I feel the snow, blowing and stinging my face?
Nothing seemed right until I stood still.
I closed my eyes,
groped for what I knew
and I was home.
There was my husband,
my sister.
And my little boy ran into the room,
his "hair" towel on,
pretending to be a princess, like always.
I reached for him,
but, like always, he never stood still.
I touched my husband,
hoping that wherever I was,
I would be here, where they were,
for just a second.
I touched my sister.
A miracle? Just a little miracle?
Were they talking about me?
I couldn't understand anything except my own desperation.
Just let me touch my son,
touch him,
and let him feel me,
then I'm Yours, Jesus,
if that's the way it has to be.
Just let me touch him…
I closed my hand around his small, solid fingers,
and for one moment I imagine my mile-a-minute, never-stand-still wonder
stopped,
felt….
It's mama, sweetie. I didn't leave you. I didn't meant to.
I love you so much, more than anything.
I know you need me
and the thought of not being with you
kills me.
I'm not thinking about my career, my work,
all the millions of endless things I have to do.
The things that never could seem to wait
the way I always asked you to wait.
I'm thinking
Jesus, I won't make you the silly promise that I'll never ask anything of you again,
but I am asking now.
One more chance.
One more to get it right.
Do it right. Do what really matters.
See to only those things that mean everything
and not the things that don't.
They don't matter here, where I am now,
where the wind doesn't touch me,
the snow doesn't sting my face.
And then he's running away again,
his little fingers slipping from mine,
his long hair streaming behind him.
And I know that death is holding my baby,
touching him,
and realizing
he can't feel me
anymore…
Please let me wake from this dream.
This nightmare…
Please…



 Love You

(c) 2001 K.S. Wiesner
Excerpt from Part I: The Many Faces of…Love


I love you
like the wind whispering in your ear.
I love you
like a need that never goes away.
I love you
like my soul calls your name.

I love you
when all the world makes you lost.
I love you
when you close your eyes at night and dream.
I love you
when nothing else in the world will do.

I love you.

I won't stop loving you
if you cause me tears and pain.
I won't stop loving you
if you tell me things I can't change.
I won't stop loving you
even if you go away and I can never follow.

I won't stop loving you
when the music stops and we lose our way.
I won't stop loving you
when we can look at each other without stars in our eyes.
I won't stop loving you
even when the night gets cold and I don't have you to hold.

I won't stop loving you.

I'll always love you.
Yesterday you changed my life.
I'll always love you.
Today you make me smile, make me cry,
make life happy even when you make it sad.
I'll always love you.
Tomorrow you may be gone. I'll think my life can't go on. But I won't forget you.
I'll always love you.
Love you.

Ye Did It Not

(c) 2001 K.S. Wiesner
Excerpt from Part I: The Many Faces of…Faith



"Ye are the salt of the earth,
the light of the world."

I'd often thought, and smiled to myself,
of how much I cared for a lost and hurting world.
I was right in my own eyes.
I sang the hymns with great rejoicing,
and I joined in with the "Amens" wholeheartedly.
I wondered what reward my good works and faith would bring.
I was walking with Jesus.
I was a child of the King,
on my way to glory.
With a world decaying around me,
I thought I had no reason to be sorry.

A child behind the door,
my neighbor, my friend.
Though we'd never met before,
my Lord had said to love everyone.
But when I heard the cries,
I did what the world would have done.
My sin wasn't so much what I did.
It was what I
didn't.

And when you needed shelter,
I suggested just the inn.
And when your stomach was empty,
I let you go through my trash bin.
And when you needed to be rebuked,
I was the first to find fault.
But what good were my words
when cement was mixed with my salt?
What help to you was my insight
when Christ couldn't be seen in my own radiant light?

Out of foolishness, I left you hopeless.
Your innocence had to die because I closed my eyes to your cry.
And I didn't feed your needs.
And I didn't invite you to clothe your nakedness
with the Father's forgiveness.
And I didn't visit you when you were in pain.
Walking righteous and filled with spiritual pride,
I saw you laying by the roadside
with fresh wounds bleeding inside.
I saw you, and I just walked on by...

Now, when I look back,
I see you, the victim,
chained in hopeless bands,
dark and lost without Jesus,
no light from my lamp.
I see you,
and your blood is all over my hands...